.jpg)
For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to be a mom. Specifically, my mom. She was, and is, my biggest role model. Smart, successful, funny, and kind. The whole package. She somehow managed to be a rock star in a profession that was, and still is, mostly male, while also helping us succeed at home. She always helped us with homework, got us to all our lessons and practices, cooked us a home cooked meal, and still managed to find time to make baked goods for our class and sew us our Halloween costumes. And while I strove to create a career I could be proud of and make decisions and live each day to the moral code in which my parents instilled, my biggest dream was of becoming a mother. My biggest fear my whole life was not being able to be a mother.
Growing up, I was an active child, always involved in sports and was relatively good at them, though I will admit my clumsiness did cause many injuries which impacted my abilities. Around puberty I noticed changes. I gained weight, developed acne, and had horribly debilitating irregular periods that, when they came, would leave me vomiting, gasping for air, and in tears. My OB put me on birth control, which did seem to help slightly. But my fear lingered and I always felt that there was still something wrong. I'm not sure if it was denial, or paranoia of my biggest fear coming true, but being on birth control and not asking any other questions was how I handled the situation for over a decade. I dealt with the frustrating weight, acne, and one week a month of agony in blissful ignorance.
I continued to strive to be like my mother. I pursued a career in the sciences and found success. I had a career I was proud of and lived with what I hoped was a strong moral code. I was proud of the life I lived. As Louis and I became serious, I thought about the next step. What I would have to do next if I wanted to become the mom I always wanted to be. Not just a mother, or someone wrapped up in a career that did not have enough room for a child, but a mom who was able to be physically and mentally there. Louis and I moved to upstate NY after making the decision that that is where we wanted to raise a family and I could acquire a job that would be more conducive to raising a child.
Soon after the move, I needed to see a doctor. My new doctor asked a lot of questions. She wanted a lot of tests done. She wanted those answers. She wanted to open my Pandora's box.
I remember getting those results in a way I would imagine one would have an out of body experience. I can see myself that day receiving the news that I would never be a mother, crumpling to the floor, dissolving in tears, and a lifetime of dreams disappearing before me. My heart was broken. The doctor continued on stressing that my uterus was scarred from cyst damage and eggs would never attach well. I would never have a baby, a blend of Louis and I, to raise.
Later that night as we laid in bed, puffy eyed and exhausted from crying, Lou asked me to marry him. Vowing to love, cherish, and comfort me. Promising to always be by my side. We had our love, he said, that was all he wanted. Being loved so deeply by Louis gave me the strength to continue. To see the light and the future we could have together. It may not be what we envisioned, but we would do it together. My love for him, gave me the courage to not only accept our future is beyond our control, but embrace it. It was in my darkest moment that I discovered the most beautiful moment of my life.
A week later, in the midst of a storm, Louis bent down on one knee and gave me a ring. The mist was just rising by the time I finished crying from joy, and accepted. I accepted his love and promise. I accepted our future. And I learned perhaps the meaning of marriage before even being married:
"Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
It is a strange, beautiful life we are lucky to be a part of, isn't it?
Patty
