(im)perfection.

today was one of those perfect mornings. 

it was perfect in a way that only a drizzly, cool, foggy morning could be. a slight refreshing chill in the air, a hazy stillness from the wake of a summer thundershower. waking up, I could see the river from our bed in second story floor of the house we rent. there was a doe in the lawn, wandering gracefully, reveling in the safety of the quiet morning.

view from down our street

the baby was cooing lightly from her crib, deep in slumber. The dogs' tail thumping, wanting me to come cuddle with her. my husbands' arm thrown haphazardly over the pillow, his glasses are still on. he was up late with the baby. his breathe comes out evenly, gently. even cats are content, satisfied now that they've eaten. they stare, fixated, on the birds outside.

most of the dishes are done, the kitchen fairly clean.  I pull out the salad he made me for lunch the previous night. a pitcher of iced coffee is waiting as well. little signs of his love, our love, everywhere. Some mornings he wakes with me and makes us eggs, but it really depends on the baby's schedule. I finished the few dishes left, watching the creek bubbling outside. honeysuckles compromise with ferns for some space by the bank. a cream of mushroom soup can props the window open a crack, letting in the cool morning air.

I want to capture these moments. the moments i'm blissfully happy and aware. I want to hold them in my heart always. I want to remember the imperfections that make this moment beautiful.

life is not perfect, but it was a perfect morning.

banksy, enjoying the quiet morning

4 months

Our little peanut is 4 months already! Actually, almost 18 weeks (this Thursday)! I can't get over how much she's changed. I want to capture every little moment and not forget.

The way she smiles when she wakes up in the morning and sees us coming to get her.

The way she stops smiling when she sees the camera, she doesn't like our phones!

The way she smiles when you lightly stroke her cheek or blow slightly at her face.

All her toots! The kid can fart!

Her little snorts and grunts and squeals. She is so chatty! Her favorite noise used to sound like "err-or" but now she almost seems to say "hi."

Her rolls! She has figured out how to roll over and does not want to be on her back. She wants to face the world!

The way she grasps who ever is holding her, and nuzzles in close when she wants to fall asleep. This is in contrast to her wanting to spread out once she is asleep though.

She loves sleeping with her hands behind her head. It's adorable.

The way she smiles so hard at Zuzu and Doc and Banksy.

The raspberries she's been blowing, and the fun she has doing them.

How awesome she is in the bathtub and how much she loves being in it. Hates getting out though!

How much fun she's having when she tries solid foods. Bananas, applesauce, sweet potatoes are the favorites so far.

She is such a joy, and I just want to bottle her little idiosyncrasies so I can remember them forever. Lou and I can't get over how much fun we're having, how lucky we are, how in LOVE we are, and how awesome our baby is.

Such a wonderful moment in life. I wish everyone this type of happiness!

Patty

Accountability

It's been such a transitional year. So many new things - new job (!), new city (!), new apartment (!), new daughter (!!!!!), new lifestyle, and, unfortunately, a new body.

I had a baby 14 weeks ago and am still coming to terms with my body now that it has changed. For some reason, I feel like I'm out of the "forgiveness range." Like the time society gives you to 'bounce back' has expired, and now I'm viewed as a 'frumpy mom.' But it's not just that, I know that I am better than the person I have been these past few months. But whine, whine, whine. I feel like that's all I'm currently doing about it. I'm half-assed logging things, half-assed working out (when I even do). I want to improve for me, not society. I want to live a long life, and be around for my daughter's children. I want to be strong enough to carry my daughter, and not depend on Louis to open jars of pickles. I want to have energy. I want to be proud of my body, and myself. I want to have a positive body image so my daughter grows up with one as well.

So I'm writing here, not to vent and whine more, but to hold myself accountable. To create a place where I remember why I'm working to love my body again. Above all, I want to be the girl I always was. The one who, when she didn't like something, she did something about it.

Patty

Lanie's Entrance

I learned the first lesson of parenthood before you even arrived, little one. And it was a tough one!

 

Some things are out of my control.

 

Oh how I wanted you to come early! I wanted to meet you so badly, and (who am I kidding) I was over being pregnant. But you made me wait, you must have known then, little one, how patience is not your mom's forte.

 

But you were worth the wait, I would wait another lifetime just to have you again.

 

So, as you prepared to arrive fashionably late, I prepared for your eviction. Your due date of January 26, 2015 came...


and went, and no amount of walking endless laps around the mall, bouncing on yoga balls, eating Indian food and dates, and chugging pineapple juice was going to make you come early. You must get your stubbornness and punctuality from me!

 

We planned an induction for January 29. We had a date with cervidil at St. Luke's at noon. Of course at this point we were certain you were staying in there and planned (ha!) on sleeping in, having a nice breakfast and playing with Zuzu, and maybe even a relaxing bath. Around 9:30 am, while shaving my legs without contacts in,  my water broke. I blindly screamed for your dad, who woke up very discombobulated. I told him to go out and take the dog to the park while I got ready. I wanted to make sure our first baby was loved and had pooped before we met you, little one! And I was very nervous as the glob was brown, and I wanted to get going early.

 

We called the doctor about the amniotic fluid being brown and then headed to the hospital early. Luckily we went in early (thanks Lanie!), as we ended up getting the largest labor and delivery room! Had we gotten there at noon as scheduled we would have been in a triage room with three other women instead of the best suite at St. Lukes... Already little one, you knew what was best for us!

We got to the room and had a nurse we had seen a week earlier (after I had a fall and was bleeding). Her name was Carol :-) I thought it was a good omen!  Louis made sure a doctor came and saw us and knew an induction was not the reason we were there. He then had the kindness to sit patiently and help me organize our bags the way I wanted, like the neurotic freak I am. I walked around the large room a bit before they came in and checked me, pausing a few times when contractions came.

 In the weeks leading up to labor, I wondered, as I'm sure most women do, what contractions will feel like, and what will happen on delivery day. I had done copious amounts of webmd-ing and googling, and still I find it hard to describe. I've had my fair share of awful menstrual cramps, and it was like those, only more intense. Louis was the sweetest and would kindly do as I requested and not talk to me during them (even when I rudely put my hand up 'talk to the hand style').

When my labor wasn't progressing the doctor came to try to break my water again, just in case it wasn't all the way broken. Realizing it had broken all the way, he decided to put me on pitocin. This was largely to get the labor progressing further as your heart rate wasn't great and the amniotic fluid was contaminated with meconium (little pooper, you are!). Once the pitocin hit, contractions got real. They came hard and fast. They're not kidding when they say you can't walk or talk through them, and Louis had to help me stay standing when I was trying to get from the bathroom to the bed and they came. I wanted (and received, bless his heart) and epidural. Those are lovely lovely things. I highly recommend them! Louis recommends them as well :-) it was worth the 8 (!) times it took them to find a vein for the fluids needed with it

After about an hour or two of glorious epidural the doctor was coming in more and more frequently. He had me move positions and studied the babes heart rhythm. After about 20 minutes he left. I was only 4 cm dilated and I told Lou to go ahead and call our (chatty) realtor back. As Lou is talking to him the doctor came back and said he didn't like her heart rate, we were going in for a c section asap. I was so excited to have a csection, but I was so nervous because there was something wrong.

Lou hurriedly told our realtor he had to go, and he got scrubbed in. Even in the chaos and excitement he managed to make me laugh by putting his hat on like a Bonnet.

 

Then they carted us to the OR. They prepped the room (and me!) then Louis was able to come in and hold my hand. Then, my dear girl, you came into the world. I didn't get to see you right away, they took you and cleaned and weighed you. I told your father not to leave your side for a second in the hospital, so he went and watched and got pictures. I asked the doctor if you were ok, if you were healthy, a 40 week worry of mine, and when he told me you were perfect I could not stop crying.

 

They stiched me up and took you for the rest of your tests. You got to meet your Mimi, great grandma Nanu, and Godmother. Then they brought you back with us. And it was the best. You are the best.

 

7 lbs, 4 oz. 19 inches long. born at 4:47pm on January 29, 2015

The love I feel towards you is unlike anything I have ever known. The love I have for your father has deepened, and richened. I have already learned so much from you just from carrying you with me for all those months, and in the few short weeks I've known you.

 

Thank you for making me a mama, your mama. I love you with all my being. You are life's best.

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

My beautiful, powerful, intelligent, funny, incredible girl. Your father and I feel lucky beyond words that you exist, and will be coming into our world. There are so many things I wish for you. I often think of how to balance shielding you from the world, and letting you experience it. I know I'm going to want to shield the world from you, and all of it's insensitive, cruel ways; full of evil and deceit and hurt. But then I believe that these are necessary evils, that learning about people and being exposed to things you do not want to be like, is important for you to develop who you want to be. You will need to see who you do NOT want to become. Because, my dear, there will be ugliness in you too, it is in everyone, but you will need to know how to deal with it, overcome it, and how to become a better person by not succumbing to it. I don't want to shelter you from these hardships, but rather provide you the tools for navigating these situations, individuals, and yourself. But please know, there will always be a safe harbor with your dad and I for you to come home to.

Your father and I will do the best to instill the virtues we value the most - righteousness, morality, prudence, temperance, integrity, empathy, compassion, nobility, humility, charity, kindness, diligence, and, if there's time, patience. We want you to love, with all your heart. To respect yourself, and others. To do the honest and right thing. To not be greedy and express charity. To always value your intelligence, and use it as your greatest tool, as well as greatest toy. To value others and help when you can and are able. To know your worth, and help others to see theirs as well.

There are going to be many temptations along the way, and many roads that will be easier to take. If your father and I raise you as we hope to, you will be able to navigate these hard decisions to do the right thing. I promise you, the right thing will always feel better in your soul.

I promise always to be your parent first. I make no promises about being the cool mom, buying you all the clothes and toys you want, likely I'll be forcing you to eat vegetables, play outside, turning off the tv, and calling to check up on you. But know I am doing everything I am out of love. But I do promise to make sure you are warm and nourished - mind, body, and soul, to the best that I am able.

I am so excited about our adventures together, and who you will become. I wonder every day - What hobbies will you have? What will you do with your life? What color eyes will you have? What will be your favorite book, song, and movie? And what little idiosyncrasies that you will have; the little oddities that truly shape a person.

You have already changed me so much. Of course having a child means being responsible for another life, but, before you, I didn't realize how much more important it is to be responsible for my own life. Not that I was completely irresponsible, per say, but I had a disregard and rather a disrespect for my own body and life for a long time. You've already taught me so much about treating my body better. As a woman, and a person really, there is so much pressure to be thin and sexy and the extremes to which I fought for those superficial things was not healthy. Since you, I have had to treat you, and, as a byproduct, my body, well. And while I will be the first to admit (to literally anyone who asks) that I have not really enjoyed the ailments that come with being pregnant, there are several things I've really liked. I no longer want to pump myself full of caffeine and alcohol, and keep a very restricted caloric intake. I no longer hate my body for existing in a shape that I don't want. I am, in many ways, proud of it for creating you. I haven't gained much weight with you, but I've learned to listen to my body and what it (or I suppose you!) have been craving. I hope I can keep this healthy mindset after you are born, for both of our sakes! I will promise to try my hardest so that we both have a healthy body image.

Oh, my girl, there are so many things to say, but so many more to see, hear, and appreciate. I can only hope we have a lifetime together to share them with each other, with your father, with your grandparents and aunts, and your furbaby siblings.

But oh, dear daughter, won't you please come soon?? I'd like to start enjoying these things with you on the outside sooner rather than later! (But bake away, if you must, I understand that too.)

Love,

Patty

37 Weeks

How far along are you? 37 weeks exactly, yay for my iphone photos, right?

Cravings: Just lots of water. Re-introducing spicy foods, pineapple juice, dates, raspberry leaf tea, and anything else that is supposed to induce labor...commencing...now! 

Weight Gain: Right around 15 lbs. I definitely have a 'don't tell me the actual number' policy with the nurses. They just tell me what I've gained. I can do the math, I don't need to hear it out loud. If you say it out loud, it's real.

Stretch Marks: Ugh. Yes. 

Favorite moment this week: When Lou said, "I hope she gets my toes." The things we talk about! He also told me about how he read about uterine massages. I love that he is so supportive, and I fall so much more deeply in love with him than I ever knew was possible when he says and does things like that. (He also says things like "I can't wait until you're not pregnant anymore so I don't have to listen to you." He's joking of course, trying to get reaction out of me. It works ;)) 

Fears:  I just am so eager to meet her, and I just want to know she is as healthy as possible. I won't be able to let go of this crippling anxiety I've had since May that I've somehow messed her up in there. I'm sure I'll get a whole new set of anxieties, but it will, God willing, hopefully be nice to let this one go.

General mood: Impatient! Anxious. Excited. 

Sleep: Not really, though Lou is giving me the full bed most nights and camping on the couch, which has helped considerably. I miss him though :-(

Things I was surprised by: How surreal it all still feels.

Things I am most looking forward to: Seeing a new little piece of Louis running around. I can't wait to see our pets with her, either!

What I think is really cool and crazy: That there is actually life inside me right now. That I'll get to meet her soon. It doesn't feel real.

Wedding Ring on or off:  Still on, after baby weight (and honey moon weight, and Patty gluttony weight, is off, I'm going to get it resized)

Food Aversions: Unfortunately a lot. It's not so much that I don't like things or they don't taste good. It's that my body doesn't like them and I throw them back up. Bland has been the theme of this pregnancy.  

Maternity Clothes: Oh yes. Gym clothes too. Mostly black.  

Gender: A little lady :) 

Nursery:  Yes, owls and foxes. I revealed most of it here.

Please little baby girl, think about coming a week or so early? I want to meet you so bad!

Patty