On Dreams, Infertility, and Marriage: Part 2

*This is the continuation of our journey to get pregnant. For Part I, go here. 

Though thoroughly grief stricken by the news, as my doctor said, "You will never have children," I was overwhelmed by the love and support Lou showed me.  I was still excited for a future together, because I knew Lou would be in it and everything else would fall into place. Things would be alright, as long as we were together.

I did my homework on PCOS. I learned a lot, holistically, about nutrition. I stopped thinking of my situation as unfair, and saw it more of a greater challenge to overcome. Was it fair I couldn't eat like a normal person and my imbalances led to infertility? No, not at all. But there are far greater trials that others endure. I focused on my self, and learned to listen to my body. (And I tried very hard to pass up the homemade pasta my Italian fiance cooked up). Weight dropped, not easily, but with hard work, determination, cardio, and a whole lot of sugar snap peas. I lost about 20 pounds prior to our wedding. My skin was clearer, and my periods were regular and did not leave me vomiting and in debilitating pain as they previously had, and I had more energy.

When we got married, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally in the best place of my life.

We talked about my condition, and about using birth control. (I had been on it because the progesterone helps to regulate the cysts). Given my PCOS, and damaged organs, we decided that we would leave a child up to fate. I would try to continue to take care of my condition naturally. Maybe children would come, maybe they wouldn't, but either way Louis and I would face what would come, together. 

About three months after our wedding I was feeling miserable. I won't lie, the honeymoon definitely did impact my lifestyle, old habits die hard. I struggled when I got back to get back on the bandwagon. I thought I was managing alright with the modified diet and exercise, but my acne was back with vengeance and the weight was coming back. My period was 8 weeks late, but I was no stranger to that, often going several months without my friend Flo. My period was so irregular that in college I frequently went to the school nurse to get medication to force my period to come. They would do a blood test confirming I wasn't pregnant then give me a shot to force menstruation.  I was expecting the same thing from my current doctor. I took several (at least half a dozen) pee-pregnancy tests anyway, because I am neurotic like that. All negative. Of course they were. I "could never get pregnant," as my doctor so bluntly told me. So I went back to the doctor for the shot.

Again, I took a blood test. The next day I received a phone call at my desk. 

I was pregnant. 

I was shocked.

I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I could have a baby.

I was terrified because I was so confident I couldn't get pregnant, I had still been drinking.

I was overwhelmed, excited, happy, scared, and couldn't wait to tell Lou.

I had gotten the call late in the afternoon, on May 29, 2014, the anniversary of the day Lou proposed. He had already surprised me with flowers and a card, so after work I raced to pick up a card. Instead of a 'happy anniversary' card, I chose a 'happy father's day card.' I was all nerves and excitement as I drove home to tell him the news. 

It's important to note that Louis had his wisdom tooth removed that day, after dropping off my gift. His mother dropped him off at home and that's where he was waiting for me, thoroughly medicated up.  It was in this state, in delirious confusion, I gave him the card.  As I waited for his feedback I nervously held my belly, as if I could give him his daughter now. After several moments of nothing, I asked, "So what do you think about becoming a dad so quickly?"

That got his dazed attention, I could see some of the focus coming back to his eyes as he looked at me and said, "What?? Really?!"

He broke out in a wide green and hugged me hard and said, "We got this."

It may not have been how we planned it, but then again, when is it really ever our plan? And now, we cannot be more excited to meet her. Our daughter. In 76 short days!

Patty

On Dreams, Infertility, and Marriage: Part 1

For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to be a mom. Specifically, my mom. She was, and is, my biggest role model. Smart, successful, funny, and kind. The whole package. She somehow managed to be a rock star in a profession that was, and still is, mostly male, while also helping us succeed at home. She always helped us with homework, got us to all our lessons and practices, cooked us a home cooked meal, and still managed to find time to make baked goods for our class and sew us our Halloween costumes. And while I strove to create a career I could be proud of and make decisions and live each day to the moral code in which my parents instilled, my biggest dream was of becoming a mother. My biggest fear my whole life was not being able to be a mother.

Growing up, I was an active child, always involved in sports and was relatively good at them, though I will admit my clumsiness did cause many injuries which impacted my abilities. Around puberty I noticed changes. I gained weight, developed acne, and had horribly debilitating irregular periods that, when they came, would leave me vomiting, gasping for air, and in tears. My OB put me on birth control, which did seem to help slightly. But my fear lingered and I always felt that there was still something wrong. I'm not sure if it was denial, or paranoia of my biggest fear coming true, but being on birth control and not asking any other questions was how I handled the situation for over a decade. I dealt with the frustrating weight, acne, and one week a month of agony in blissful ignorance.

I continued to strive to be like my mother. I pursued a career in the sciences and found success. I had a career I was proud of and lived with what I hoped was a strong moral code. I was proud of the life I lived. As Louis and I became serious, I thought about the next step. What I would have to do next if I wanted to become the mom I always wanted to be. Not just a mother, or someone wrapped up in a career that did not have enough room for a child, but a mom who was able to be physically and mentally there. Louis and I moved to upstate NY after making the decision that that is where we wanted to raise a family and I could acquire a job that would be more conducive to raising a child.

Soon after the move, I needed to see a doctor. My new doctor asked a lot of questions. She wanted a lot of tests done. She wanted those answers. She wanted to open my Pandora's box.

I remember getting those results in a way I would imagine one would have an out of body experience. I can see myself that day receiving the news that I would never be a mother, crumpling to the floor, dissolving in tears, and a lifetime of dreams disappearing before me. My heart was broken. The doctor continued on stressing that my uterus was scarred from cyst damage and eggs would never attach well. I would never have a baby, a blend of Louis and I, to raise. 

Later that night as we laid in bed, puffy eyed and exhausted from crying, Lou asked me to marry him. Vowing to love, cherish, and comfort me. Promising to always be by my side. We had our love, he said, that was all he wanted. Being loved so deeply by Louis gave me the strength to continue. To see the light and the future we could have together. It may not be what we envisioned, but we would do it together. My love for him, gave me the courage to not only accept our future is beyond our control, but embrace it. It was in my darkest moment that I discovered the most beautiful moment of my life.

A week later, in the midst of a storm, Louis bent down on one knee and gave me a ring. The mist was just rising by the time I finished crying from joy, and accepted. I accepted his love and promise. I accepted our future. And I learned perhaps the meaning of marriage before even being married: 

"Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." 

It is a strange, beautiful life we are lucky to be a part of, isn't it?

Patty

Honeymoon Planning

Last year was a hectic one, full of big life moments, including job changes, an engagement, a wedding, and buying a house. In the midst of the craziness, Louis and I talked about our honeymoon in a generic way of what we wanted it to encompass - fun, stress free, and nothing too expensive. Planning a wedding in late February in upstate NY, we knew we wanted to go somewhere warm. And while we both have a long list of places we'd like to visit, we also wanted something low stress and easy to plan. Don't get me wrong, I loved loved loved planning our wedding, but it was very time and mind consuming to prepare for the wedding, and, more importantly, our marriage.

We tossed around ideas for months, but were always unsettled, and always somewhat half-assed. We are not typically beach people, I would read a book and drink endless margaritas and Lou would sit on his gameboy. We both lusted for Paris, but it wouldn't really be escaping the cold, and the idea of a long flight, currency exchanges, and the language barrier was a little intimidating. It was about halfway through December when we were knee deep in boxes from moving, when we were looked at each other and said, what the hec, let's just go to Disney World! We'd both been multiple times before, and even once together, and have extremely fond memories. Other than booking the flights, hotel, and passes, we didn't spend a second more planning it.

And you know what?

It was perfect.

We even had a ton of help with the plans we did have for the flights, hotel, passes, and dinner reservations. I contacted Donna, with Pixie Vacations. She graduated high school with me and I had seen through Facebook that she was a travel agent on the side of her teaching career. It'd been years since I contacted her, but I was sooo glad I did. She had tons of helpful hints, and her excitement and enthusiasm for Disney is infectious. If you're interested in a Disney vacation, definitely check her out. (Not a sponsored post, just really grateful for her help.) ALSO February is a great month for weddings and anniversaries, we got great deals on the venue and a great vacation package - 30% off - cha-ching!)

We left from Philly the Monday after wedding. Another thing I would definitely recommend is taking a day in between the wedding and departure. We got to spend the next day still celebrating with family and friends from out of town we don't get to see that often. I was really happy we took a honeymoon right after the wedding. I know some people do mini-moons or just go back to work, but I was really happy with truly getting away. I can't imagine going back to reality after the magical-ness of a wedding. I wasn't ready to stop celebrating my new last name :-)

Stopped by our favorite place in Phillly - Ye Olde Ale House

And my dad thoroughly enjoyed tagging our car up!

He thinks he's so funny :)

Patty