Some Things I Believe Right Now (#1)

This is a blog series I've seen in a few of my favorite blogs (Freckled Italian and Little Things & Curiosities) and I've always found them... soul refreshing.

that lavender baths everyday are exactly the type of indulgence I can support in my life

requesting flowers from your husband doesn't make the flowers any less beautiful or sweet when they arrive on your table, thoughtfully chosen by your 3 year old daughter

some stories are ok to re-tell everynight, and those moments of rocking your daughter to sleep are so sweet, and pure, and tiring they are to be cherished. even when she giggles as she toots on you, especially then.

remembering where you were in your life, and who you used to be, when you met your partner is important...especially when you talk and see how much you've changed and how far you've come

second breakfast... can i get a hec yea from all the pregnant ladies on this one?

that it's ok to wish for time to speed up so you don't have to be pregnant anymore, but simultaneously want it to last forever so you can cherish one on one time with your first baby as a family of 3

that it's ok to stop making an effort with some people and focus on others, or yourself

that listening to the same playlists you did 10 years ago and be completely ok with the fact your favorite music is still the same is completely fine

that worrying about growing older is natural and can be healthy, and to focus on self care and your body is important

it's ok to literally forget how old you are for at least 5 minutes yesterday... true story. I'm 32 I finally remembered

that you should always accept offers to travel back in time to see dinosaurs in your daughters time machine, but that when you travel back to the renaissance you should expect POOP everywhere

25 Weeks

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is different about pregnancy round 2. From the starters, this pregnancy took us about 8 months to happen...it involved many tears and one vacation to cheer me up.  I've written on infertility before, and PCOS I am realizing is such a large part of my life and my mental state. So instead of being a happy, newly-wed surprise, this little babe was quite planned. 

I can honestly say I felt implantation, and subsequently had felt a headache coming on a few days before I got my positive blue lines at 10dpo. Literally the only symptoms I've had was a terrible head cold I couldn't shake (for like 3 months), a little more fluid, and... that's it. Mild nausea but nothing some lemon water or a few preggo drops couldn't counter. I've definitely been peeing more too, but otherwise... it's been not bad. I still can attest that I don't particularly care for the physicalness of being pregnant, I am SO beyond grateful to be pregnant!  My heart is so full at the idea of giving Lanie a companion, or just someone on her team, for the rest of her life. Someone who understands exactly how she grew up and can love her in a way that no one else can.  And then there's the whole other part of my heart that is just SO excited to meet another little soul that will be a member of our family.... I can't wait to know what he- yes HE- is going to be like. What is voice sounds like, his hobbies are, his first words, his favorite songs, and just who he becomes. I am so excited at the privilege of being a mom to someone else. I am so excited to expand my little family, my favorite people, and make more memories.

I want to keep another record of the pregnancy, because I find myself wishing I had recorded more with Lanie when she was a baby, and while I was pregnant. So here goes!

Yes, iphone selfies are back - and with a filter because I could really use a tan

How far along are you? 25 weeks! Only 105 days left exactly, but who's counting? I am starting to feel VERY pregnant at this point. Almost (kinda) the third trimester, just a little more! I am SO impatient! I think the 8 months of waiting to get pregnant definitely added to some of that impatience. 

Cravings: Nothing in particular? I get ravenous by lunch though. 

Weight Gain: This is a sore subject... in my last pregnancy I had gained about 8-10 pounds at this point. I actually lost about 12 lbs in the beginning part of this pregnancy, and am back up 3. That back up 3 is about 13 more than what I weight this time last time though. I ended up gaining about 20 lbs when Lanie was 1-2. Not cool, stress! I am trying to keep my weight gain this pregnancy to no more than 10 or so. Hoping 5 months of maternity leave will help get me back into shape! I am SO excited to have discovered a way of eating that works for my body (and for PCOS). I might do a post on that at some point. 

Stretch Marks: Nothing new... yet... But hello spider/varicose veins are back already!

Favorite moment this week: When Lanie tells the baby 'the sun is up baby, it's time to wake up!" and I make a hand puppet and she holds 'the baby's hand'

Fears: Finding a nanny and child care. Hoping the delivery is ok and that the baby is born healthy and I don't die. I also worry about how Lanie and our family will adjust. We have such a good thing, I just am staying positive that it can only get better :) 

General mood: So, so exhausted. I go to sleep as soon as Lanie does (between 7-8pm) and wake up at 5. Surprisingly I wasn't tired at Disney and only drank 1 coffee (if that!). I think the walking gave me energy....and the sun. The snow and rain are probably not helping. But I have definitely been more tired this go around. I'm really happy though, this pregnancy...not having the stress of having to start a new job, move, and sell a house, all withing a month of becoming a new parent... well it's been great not having that stress. 

Sleep: Like.a.log. Get up 1-2 times to pee. I'm wiser this go around too, I don't drink as much in the afternoon as I do in the morning.

Things I was surprised by: How nervous I still am to be a mom again. I thought I'd be more confident this time. I'm not nervous about holding a baby or changing a baby or even knowing what kind of cry he has, but just how I will mother a boy. Not that I will love him any differently, but I just don't have the experience of having been a boy to fall back on to help guide me.  

Things I am most looking forward to: Holding him and Lanie in my arms, in Lou's arms. Watching Lanie and him grow up. Ugh, I think I'm going to be total waterworks.

What I think is really cool and crazy: It still blows my mind I am literally growing a baby in me. The novelty has not worn off!

Wedding Ring on or off:  Still on, still too big. 

Food Aversions: Chicken again. 

Maternity Clothes: OH yes. Since 12 weeks for pants. Lots of non- maternity dresses and shirts I can get away with wearing though, most of that is because flowy styles are en vogue (and something I gravitated towards post pregnancy with Lanie)

Gender: A BOY! 

Nursery:  The room was already painted a minty-greeny-blue. We're keeping the bed in there so it's a bit tight, but I'm sure he'll end up in the pack n' play in our bedroom the first months-year anyway. I ordered different knobs for his dresser, the same dresser we used for Lanie's room. We ordered foxes for Lanie from the etsy shop LilandJill and they were so great to work with I contacted them again for this order too. We saying he will have a 'nautical' theme, but really I just liked all the cute sailor-y type outfits from Gap baby right now. So we're framing a map of the Mediterranean we have, and an oceanic Japanese print too. Nothing too crazy. Buying boy clothes on the other hand... all I can say is Gap LOVES me right now.

So that's it for now.  Not going to promise another update, but maybe I'll do one in a month. I'm sure I'll want to read it if we ever have another baby. 

And just for fun... 24 weeks with Lanie (left) vs. 25 weeks with baby boy (right - short hair)... definitely bigger this time around!

Four.

Four years ago Louis and I stood in front of our closest friends and family and became a family. I couldn't imagine at that time our lives would be where we would be today, and am so grateful. In the few short years I've been married, I can tell you marriage is not easy. It is a constant battle of changing, being true to yourself, but also making the effort to change together, towards each other.

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.  And when it subsides you have to make a decision.  You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.  Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathless, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion… That is just “being in love” which any fool can do.  Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

May your roots grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms fall from your branches, you find out that you are one tree, and not two." - Louis de Bernieres

We chose to dance to "The Curse," which was, in retrospect, a very longgggg song to pick for someone who doesn't like the spotlight and doesn't dance very well. There is a line, 'after thousands of years, what a face to wake up to.' And I think, it is an odd song, but I think we both felt like meeting each other was when we woke up and our hearts started beating. The original "woke" moment, if you will. The video is beautiful, if you have a chance to watch the animation of it. 

Happy Anniversary, Lou. Thanks for choosing me, everyday. 

Spring Tease

There is absolutely nothing like a brief preview of spring that literally puts a little spring back in your step.

Windows open, shoes muddy, eyes sparkling. Spring, we're ready whenever you want to officially come!

Back again

I've been thinking about this little corner of the interwebs I have for some time. I love that I've captured my first pregnancy so well here in a way that I never seem to be consistent with in a journal form. And I love the first few months of my Lanie posts. Even if I'm the only one who ever comes back and re-reads this space, I like it. So I'm bringing it back :)

Life these days, well, it's fast. And tiring. And messy. And really, really wonderful. I literally stop and look at my family and my heart fills with love. Seeing the world through a 3 year old (seriously how is she 3?!) eyes is truly magical. She learns so fast and doesn't miss a trick.

Last week we were at a trampoline birthday party, we got there and she was OFF. She LOVED it, and didn't stop for the entire hour we were in the play area. At the end, she ran directly into my arms, threw her arms around me, gave me a huge kiss, and said ,'I love you mommy!'

We've been going out a lot on the weekends, mostly errand running, so Lou can get work done. She is a blast and so observant. Saturday mornings full of coffee and donuts and Lanie and Mommy adventures. Museums, the mall, grocery shopping, play dates, her hand in mine, requests for 'No Roots' by Alice Merton, singing, and escalator rides.

Imaginative play at home I admit is not my strongest suit, and something I have a hard time coming up with creative scripts for. But we still have some good times at home, too. 'I like messes' - Lanie, is probably the most accurate statement ever made. My little pony, "powderpuff" girls, and legos have slowly replaced dinosaurs. It's the end of an era, but it's an exciting new era. Every day seems to be getting better and better, and I'm loving every moment.

(im)perfection.

today was one of those perfect mornings. 

it was perfect in a way that only a drizzly, cool, foggy morning could be. a slight refreshing chill in the air, a hazy stillness from the wake of a summer thundershower. waking up, I could see the river from our bed in second story floor of the house we rent. there was a doe in the lawn, wandering gracefully, reveling in the safety of the quiet morning.

view from down our street

the baby was cooing lightly from her crib, deep in slumber. The dogs' tail thumping, wanting me to come cuddle with her. my husbands' arm thrown haphazardly over the pillow, his glasses are still on. he was up late with the baby. his breathe comes out evenly, gently. even cats are content, satisfied now that they've eaten. they stare, fixated, on the birds outside.

most of the dishes are done, the kitchen fairly clean.  I pull out the salad he made me for lunch the previous night. a pitcher of iced coffee is waiting as well. little signs of his love, our love, everywhere. Some mornings he wakes with me and makes us eggs, but it really depends on the baby's schedule. I finished the few dishes left, watching the creek bubbling outside. honeysuckles compromise with ferns for some space by the bank. a cream of mushroom soup can props the window open a crack, letting in the cool morning air.

I want to capture these moments. the moments i'm blissfully happy and aware. I want to hold them in my heart always. I want to remember the imperfections that make this moment beautiful.

life is not perfect, but it was a perfect morning.

banksy, enjoying the quiet morning

4 months

Our little peanut is 4 months already! Actually, almost 18 weeks (this Thursday)! I can't get over how much she's changed. I want to capture every little moment and not forget.

The way she smiles when she wakes up in the morning and sees us coming to get her.

The way she stops smiling when she sees the camera, she doesn't like our phones!

The way she smiles when you lightly stroke her cheek or blow slightly at her face.

All her toots! The kid can fart!

Her little snorts and grunts and squeals. She is so chatty! Her favorite noise used to sound like "err-or" but now she almost seems to say "hi."

Her rolls! She has figured out how to roll over and does not want to be on her back. She wants to face the world!

The way she grasps who ever is holding her, and nuzzles in close when she wants to fall asleep. This is in contrast to her wanting to spread out once she is asleep though.

She loves sleeping with her hands behind her head. It's adorable.

The way she smiles so hard at Zuzu and Doc and Banksy.

The raspberries she's been blowing, and the fun she has doing them.

How awesome she is in the bathtub and how much she loves being in it. Hates getting out though!

How much fun she's having when she tries solid foods. Bananas, applesauce, sweet potatoes are the favorites so far.

She is such a joy, and I just want to bottle her little idiosyncrasies so I can remember them forever. Lou and I can't get over how much fun we're having, how lucky we are, how in LOVE we are, and how awesome our baby is.

Such a wonderful moment in life. I wish everyone this type of happiness!

Patty